Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Its Been a While...


Patrick and I: May 2009
It has been awhile since I have last written and in that time I have gone from that to this:

Same dress, barely fits. September 2009

I know I have not blogged about pretty much any of this pregnancy here. I have actually not blogged about anything. Why? I don't know.

But here I am towards the end and I feel like I need to share. It has been a hard road, harder than I thought it would be. The baby feels like it could be here at any time and I feel so un-prepared. There is so much to do. Car seats to install, birth tubs and supplies to buy, lists to write, etc.

Everyone I had met before I was prego said that being pregnant was wonderful.

Either A: they are all liars. or B: Just my pregnancy sucks.

I got really bad nausea in the beginning and now it is back. I have been feeling sick every morning for a week straight, so yes, I think it is back. I have had horrible acne. To the point where I do not want to leave my home. My body hurts almost constantly. I feel bruised and achy. I have had vivid nightmares and not the sex dreams others spoke of. Okay there have been a couple sex dreams but the nightmares outweigh them easily. And I am tired. VERY tired.

And then there was that bought of depression where I cried daily for no reason, did not want to get out of bed and had suicidal thoughts. NOT a good time if you ask me. NOT the glowing beautiful mother-to-be I envisioned.

I feel now though that I have finally got a grasp on how to be pregnant. I know what to do when the nausea hits, I have found my own system to dealing with the acne and the aches. And I have found a way to attack the depression....creating art, journaling, exercising, increased fish oil and talking, talking, talking about my feelings.

And to keep the nightmares at bay - praying is the only thing that seems to work.

Not liking pregnancy has been a hard thing to talk about. People ask me often "How are you feeling?" and usually I say "Good." Do they really want me to go into all the details of how much this sucks? Probably not.

But I do wish someone had told me. I felt so prepared at the beginning. I had just finished my college thesis on birth...how could I not be prepared? But everything I had heard or read that was about how it felt was all rosy. I think it might be a trick our body's play on us to do this again. I think maybe some sort of hormone or chemical is released during birth to make us want to make more babies.
I was talking to my friend Jessie a while ago who has a three year old. I asked how her pregnancy was, she said it was great. And then I started complaining and she said that yes, she had some of the same problems but it is easy to forget when there is a beautiful baby in your arms.

So I want to document this misery somehow, so if I forget once my body is pumped up on oxytocin from birth and I start craving to be pregnant again, I will have something to remind myself of this time.

I am excited to meet my baby, someone I have lived with yet never met. And I fall more and more in love with my child as it changes inside me. But I do want my body back. I want to feel sexy again. I want to have my emotions in check again.

I am trying my best to enjoy these last days. Days of being somewhat childless. Days of being pregnant. I am trying to focus on the good things about that and not the bad.

But to all you not-pregnant- yet ladies out there: pregnancy is a big jump off a huge cliff, don't be shocked if it is not as sweet and rosy as you think it will be. Some people free fall to the bottom while others hit every rock on the way down. Either way, in the end, you will be a mother. Which is more amazing and beautiful than I could put into words here.

LDM