Finnegan James McKinney

A few days old...

Here at 3 months.

I know, I know.

This is so late.

Finnegan James McKinney

December 2nd 2009

8 pounds 6 ounces

20 inches

The Ultimate Question...

When will this baby come?

Everyone (yes, EVERYONE) wants to know. I am getting phone calls, text messages, emails, facebook posts all about when the baby will be here. I avoid cashiers and sales people if I can, because even they ask "so when is that baby coming? any day now, right?"

AHHHHHH!!!!!

Let me put it as plain as I can: I do not know.

That's right, I am carrying this child but I do not know when it will come. I am just as excited to see the little one as you all are, but no one is giving me any hints to when baby will decide to come. And it makes it really really hard to be patient when someone brings it up every 10 seconds.

So if I don't call you back, its not because I don't love you...its because I do not want to chat about when baby is coming. I'm trying to relax.

I am fine.
Baby is fine.
And I will let you all know when the little one arrives. You can put your money on that.

Its Been a While...

Patrick and I: May 2009
It has been awhile since I have last written and in that time I have gone from that to this:

Same dress, barely fits. September 2009

I know I have not blogged about pretty much any of this pregnancy here. I have actually not blogged about anything. Why? I don't know.

But here I am towards the end and I feel like I need to share. It has been a hard road, harder than I thought it would be. The baby feels like it could be here at any time and I feel so un-prepared. There is so much to do. Car seats to install, birth tubs and supplies to buy, lists to write, etc.

Everyone I had met before I was prego said that being pregnant was wonderful.

Either A: they are all liars. or B: Just my pregnancy sucks.

I got really bad nausea in the beginning and now it is back. I have been feeling sick every morning for a week straight, so yes, I think it is back. I have had horrible acne. To the point where I do not want to leave my home. My body hurts almost constantly. I feel bruised and achy. I have had vivid nightmares and not the sex dreams others spoke of. Okay there have been a couple sex dreams but the nightmares outweigh them easily. And I am tired. VERY tired.

And then there was that bought of depression where I cried daily for no reason, did not want to get out of bed and had suicidal thoughts. NOT a good time if you ask me. NOT the glowing beautiful mother-to-be I envisioned.

I feel now though that I have finally got a grasp on how to be pregnant. I know what to do when the nausea hits, I have found my own system to dealing with the acne and the aches. And I have found a way to attack the depression....creating art, journaling, exercising, increased fish oil and talking, talking, talking about my feelings.

And to keep the nightmares at bay - praying is the only thing that seems to work.

Not liking pregnancy has been a hard thing to talk about. People ask me often "How are you feeling?" and usually I say "Good." Do they really want me to go into all the details of how much this sucks? Probably not.

But I do wish someone had told me. I felt so prepared at the beginning. I had just finished my college thesis on birth...how could I not be prepared? But everything I had heard or read that was about how it felt was all rosy. I think it might be a trick our body's play on us to do this again. I think maybe some sort of hormone or chemical is released during birth to make us want to make more babies.
I was talking to my friend Jessie a while ago who has a three year old. I asked how her pregnancy was, she said it was great. And then I started complaining and she said that yes, she had some of the same problems but it is easy to forget when there is a beautiful baby in your arms.

So I want to document this misery somehow, so if I forget once my body is pumped up on oxytocin from birth and I start craving to be pregnant again, I will have something to remind myself of this time.

I am excited to meet my baby, someone I have lived with yet never met. And I fall more and more in love with my child as it changes inside me. But I do want my body back. I want to feel sexy again. I want to have my emotions in check again.

I am trying my best to enjoy these last days. Days of being somewhat childless. Days of being pregnant. I am trying to focus on the good things about that and not the bad.

But to all you not-pregnant- yet ladies out there: pregnancy is a big jump off a huge cliff, don't be shocked if it is not as sweet and rosy as you think it will be. Some people free fall to the bottom while others hit every rock on the way down. Either way, in the end, you will be a mother. Which is more amazing and beautiful than I could put into words here.

LDM

It's Worse Than You Think.

I am so tired of feeling sick all day long.
I constantly feel like I am going to throw up, or I am throwing up, or at least dry heaving.
FUN.

Everyone knows about morning sickness. But no one told me how bad it could be.
This how my day goes: Wake up, roll over and eat some crackers before I even think of raising my head from the pillow. Get up, go straight to the kitchen and eat something usually paired with yogurt to help my stomach calm down. Make my pregnancy tea. And drink a shot of ginger brew. Take vitamins in the middle of meal to make sure not to get more nauseous. Go lay down in bed with my "throw up" bowl and wait.

Then force my way through the rest of the day feeling extremely nauseous. Sucking on lemons, eating a small meal every two hours with some protein, eyeing the nearest receptacles in case of emergency.

Fun, I know.

People have been asking me a lot lately...."How are you feeling?" My answer is always, "Horrible." And I am thinking in my head: In fact I feel really bad right now, but go ahead, it's okay, touch my stomach, tell me about all the great babies in your life and all the great baby paraphernalia you know of and ask me if its a boy or a girl. I will grin and try not to look to queasy.

I really do want to hear all those things from people. I just really don't want to puke on them and that is hard work.

My midwives and everyone I talk to keep telling me that once I am in my second trimester things will get better and the "good" hormones will kick in and I will feel fantastic. And to keep up the ginger and the eating small meals etc.

Well, I've been in my second trimester for over a week now. No signs of feeling better. It's hard to write this. Reading and writing even make me nauseous.

I just want to enjoy my body again! I never knew how good I had it, feeling well everyday. I want to enjoy food again! And not have to consider everything I am eating as something that might be coming back up. Once it comes back up, its a little scarring, for example, bananas are now so unappealing to me.

Please Lord! Let me get the "good" hormones really soon.


PS: Photos found in local antique store. Love it.

Oh Baby!

Me and Austin circa 1995. I was sooo nervous.

I am going to have a baby.
Okay, I thought I would be used to saying that by now, but um, nope. I'm not.
Yesterday I heard the baby's heart beat. And of course I started crying. It was just so amazing. One of my midwives, Wendy, had told me that it might be to early to hear but that we should just try anyway. As soon as the fast rushing sound of baby heart came out of the little monitor speaker, the two midwives started cheering! They were so excited. I was too, but also um....shocked.

I was shocked that that sound was coming from my body. I was shocked that the baby was really in there. I don't know why, but I expected someone, someday soon would be like....um, Lacy, your not pregnant, your just getting FAT. And then I would nod and say "of course." and life would go back to life.

But nope. The sound of cheers in the little examining room confirmed it. I have had an ultrasound and I have seen the little"bean" shape baby and yet it was the sound that really drove it home. I am pregnant.

Wow. How your world changes when you are growing life.


Me and Mitchell, circa 1997. I look high. I was not.
Everyone wants to talk about the baby ALL the time. Question after question. People touch your belly even if you are not showing, without asking. And suddenly there is this realization that there is something more important than YOU in YOUR body. Okay. I know this sounds really confusing but its true!



Me and Ali, circa 1998. Look how confident I was by this point! That's right, I only need one arm!
I'm not really feeling scared about having a baby. I know Patrick and I will adapt and that we are on the same page with all this. I've had my fair share of baby life. I am more afraid of not getting the birth I so crave. I do NOT want a c-section and yet I know that it could be a possibility. Of course I would do it but only if I absolutely had to. That is my biggest fear. A c-section. I have just done so much research about that particular subject and know more that most.

If I had to do it, I wonder if the docs could just knock me out completely upon request? Let's just pray I don't ever have to ask.

Yeah Baby!!!!

LDM

The End Is Near!

I officially have all of my work in. I still need to clean out my studio, which is soooo sad. I won't have a fully working studio of my own anymore! but that is about it. The show is up at Disjecta and at the Hoffman. The big opening is tomorrow night and graduation is on Saturday! Wow.


I still have to get a keg for Disjecta, dress up and party but otherwise, college is over. Time to face the real world. What a scary place to be in. It's kinda hard to believe I made it through all the hoops they made me jump through this year. Paper - done. Orals - done. Speech - done. Body of work - done. Gallery install - done. Hundreds of pieces of paper signed by hundreds of people - done. Meeting after agonizing meeting - done. I'm DONE!
It feels good but I also have so much time I don't know what to do with myself. My summer job doesn't start til the end of June and only goes through August. I need a project. I need to make something. I just got done making something huge, but still, I need to make more. I guess that's the life of an artist. Make, make, make.

Please join me in the celebration of my thesis work. It only took one year to finish! Friday night, 6-9pm at Disjecta - 8371 N Interstate Portland OR 97217 Free food and booze! www.disjecta.org
The show titled "29."

LDM

Gra-ja-ma-cay-ting!

Me in my darkroom.

Yesterday was really the first day I didn't feel like I was running around with my head chopped off trying to finish this thesis. It was the first day I felt like I had nothing to do and I was so LOST.
I really do have things I can be doing. Lots of things. Like finishing my thesis paper, working on my oral presentation and doing some fine touches to prints and such.
But for some reason because my cabinets were finally hanging on the wall in place of their paper models I felt accomplished.

My messy studio with paper cabinet models.

It's like this weird limbo, where I have more time than I probably need and so I'm not super rushed. I still have work but I still have time too. Or maybe that's just how it feels right now. I feel like I should be looking for a job, but I still have so many school meetings and such that my availability sucks.
My cabinets rusting in the back yard only a few months ago.

It's a weird limbo I will never be in again. I will no longer use the excuse "student." Better use it up while I can.
Graduating from college is a strange strange time.

LDM